Butter Me Up and Call Me A Biscuit
by Sianatra
Summary: When an ordinary day in Potions Class goes wrong, Malfoy is suddenly transfigured into a rootin' tootin' Southern-speakin' menace who can't seem to control what comes out of his mouth. Soon, everyone else starts acting a bit strange, too... Funny oneshot!


"Can anyone tell me the name of this potion?" Professor Snape drawled, gesturing to a large black cauldron that was happily bubbling to the brim with a resplendent silver liquid. Hermione Granger's hand shot into the air with unrivaled speed, and after scanning the room for a few seconds, met by only bored glances and uninterested stares, Snape concluded that he would have to let her answer. "Yes...Miss Granger?"

"It's the Essence of Identity, sir," she said primly.

"And can you tell the class what its function is?"

"The drinker will be rendered their true and full self for anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours after intake."

Professor Snape smirked. "Correct, as usual. Gryffindor's resident know-it-all has once again startled us with her vast array of knowledge."

A few sniggers echoed across the room from the Slytherin side, causing Hermione to blush furiously and temporarily obscure her pink face behind her Potions textbook.

"Moving on," drawled Professor Snape, striding to the front of the room with an indifferent air. "The Essence of Identity is a highly difficult potion to concoct; there are many meticulous steps involved, and should you get but _one _ingredient wrong, the results could be fatal. However," he added, ignoring Neville's petrified squeak, "this is a very useful potion if brewed correctly, and I expect all of you to perform at your absolute best today, if that could be even remotely possible." He stared around the room with a scornful glare. "The instructions –" he flicked his wand, " – will be on the chalkboard. Failure to complete the assignment in time will result in a zero."

The class began to bustle with activity; Hermione had already made it halfway to the store cupboard before Professor Snape held out a hand, indicating for everyone to quiet down.

"A word of warning," he said carelessly. "The Essence of Identity is a very powerful potion; so powerful that if it manages to even come in _brief_ contact with your skin, the effects will be instantaneous. I suggest that you all wear gloves. It would be…tragic…if one of you were to have a little…accident." He shot a meaningful glance in Harry's direction.

"You may begin."

Hermione unfroze from her stationary position and sprinted for the cupboard; the rest of the class followed suit.

* * *

Within an hour, everyone had managed to finish their potion, including Neville, though his Essence was a peaky shade of green and kept emitting strange bursts of purple smoke. It came as no surprise that Hermione's potion exactly matched the joyfully splashing silver liquid seen in the cauldron on Snape's desk.

Snape strode by and peered into her cauldron, smiling with malice. "Very good, Miss Granger, you've done it again. Brilliant. Perfect. Need I say more?"

He strolled around and gazed into the rest of the cauldrons, shaking his head slightly. "Finnigan, that resembles tar more than liquid. Clean up the goop, Crabbe, before someone gets hurts. That is simply abysmal performance, Longbottom, I expected better of you."

"What about mine, Professor?" Malfoy asked smugly.

Snape strode over to where his favorite student's cauldron sat. "Let me see…very good, Malfoy, very good." Malfoy's potion looked very similar to the one on Snape's desk, however, it was more of a black than a silver, and it wasn't splashing about; the surface was smooth, without even a single ripple. Snape nodded his head in approval. "10 points to Slytherin."

Hermione let out a little cry of protest.

"Professor, my Essence is better than Malfoy's! Why did you give him points and not _me_?"

Malfoy whirled around; in a few quick strides, he was leaning over her bubbling cauldron with anger sketched all over his face. "Maybe it's because you're a Mudblood, Granger, ever think of that?" he spat.

Tears welled up in Hermione's eyes, but before she could say or do anything, a particularly large bubble that had been forming in her cauldron popped. Malfoy looked down in surprise.

A glistening drop of silver liquid was visible on his finger.

"AHHHH!" he shrieked. "GET IT OFF ME!"

He started hopping around the room, looking frightened and ridiculous at the same time. "GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!"

But the potion had already absorbed into his skin. A howl of horror escapes his lips. "What's it going to DO to me?" he demanded of Snape. "Will it KILL me?"

"Of course not, foolish boy, Miss Granger's potion is perfectly concocted, and I already informed you in the beginning of class that the potion could only be dangerous if it was brewed incorrectly."

"Oh."

"Now all we have to do is wait until the potion's effects begin. It should start any time now…"

Suddenly, a very sappy, un-Malfoyish-like grin crossed Malfoy's face, and his eyes seemed to fog over slightly. He glanced around the room with an interested air and exclaimed in surprise, "Well, butter my buns and call me a biscuit! Lookie what we got here! It seems to be some kinder' potion brewing room!"

The whole class gaped in surprise, some not even bothering to close their mouths.

Malfoy seemed not to notice their stunned expressions and he continued to keep up an unwavering stream of comments. "This place shure is spiffy! Lookie at all dem gleamin' cauldrons! I declare, I haven't seem nuthin' like that in a coon's age!"

"Professor," whispered Hermione terrifiedly, "Is this normal?"

Snape was gazing at Draco with an unconcealed look of pure confusion. "No, Miss Granger," he said slowly. "This is not normal. Usually, this potion reveals your true and full self, but…Malfoy…well…unless, of course…this is, perhaps…his true personality…?"

Draco caught sight of Hermione and swaggered over to her cauldron, his eyes bugging. "Look at dem big boobies of yours! My, lassie, just lookin' at dem gives me the heebie jeebies! And ain't you just cuter than a speckled pup in a red wagon! I shure would love to take you home!"

Hermione backed away, looking even more frightened than before. "Is there an antidote, Professor?" she asked timidly.

"I'm afraid not, Miss Granger. We'll just have to wait until the effects wear off."

She whimpered.

Draco promptly plopped down on the floor in front of her. "Sit down here, cutie," he said, beaming. "I wanna have a little chit-chat with you."

Hermione, not knowing what else to do, sat down.

Draco started impressively. "I am about to tell you my whole darn life's ambition, the dream I've fostered ever since I was a wee one. I'm telling you this because you're a right little foxy goddess and I think ya might consider courting me if this interests you." He cleared his breath. "Alright, sweetheart. Here it goes. Are you ready?" He looked her straight in the eye.

"I wanna be an ice cream man."

Hermione started at him quite as though he had gone out of his mind. Which he probably had.

Ron snickered from the other side of the room. "Wow, you sure know how to charm the girls, Malfoy. An ice cream man. How perfectly _sexy_."

Draco looked indignant. "Are you questionin' my job interests and apparent devilish looks? Because if you are, you'd better scamper up a tree with your tail between your legs, 'cause I ain't gonna put up with none of your nonsense shenanigans."

"Oh really? Well why don't we settle this, then? Man to man?"

"I'm warning ya, smart stuff, you're bittin' off more than you can chew!"

"Sure. Bring it, cowboy."

"Okay, I will!" In a fast, fluid motion, Draco leaped off the floor and drew his wand from inside his robes. "REDUCTO!" he shouted.

Ron dove behind Hermione's cauldron to escape; the spell hit the cauldron, causing it to explode violently. People shrieked as the silver potion splashed upon them in great, gurgling droplets. Snape, who had rushed forward to break up the brawl, received a facefull.

Everyone was silent and solemn for a moment, knowing what was about to happen.

Then the room burst into chaos.

"Where's my mommy?" Neville shrieked, looking completely lost. "Where is she? NOOOOO! MOMMY!"

"G'day, mate," Seamus Finnigan said pleasantly, tipping his hat to Harry. "Top of the morning to you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find my Lucky Charms." He bustled away.

"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie woooorld…" Pansy Parkinson sang to herself dreamily.

Snape sat in the corner of the room, tears streaming down his face. He was plucking away at a flower. "Lily loves me, Lily loves me not. Lily loves me, Lily loves me not."

Crabbe and Goyle were doing the chicken dance.

Ron, grinning from ear to ear, was conducting. "This is great!" he exclaimed happily. "Wanna join me, Harry?"

But Harry was too busy snogging Lavender Brown.

"Oi!" Ron protested. "That's my girlfriend!"

Hermione burst into tears and screamed, "FOR NARNIA! FOR ASLAN!" A flock of yellow canaries swopped at Ron's head, pecking away with their sharp beaks. "I'm going to go buy a case of firewhiskey," she informed him through her tears, "at Hogmeade. Then I'll probably drown myself in the Great Lake. After all, I'm emo! Who would care if I died? NO ONE!" She stalked away, bawling her eyes out. Ron just shrugged, swatted the canaries away, and went back to conducting the chicken dance.

Malfoy was organizing a hoedown in the middle of the room. "Let's have a hoedown throwdown, people!" he exclaimed. "It's gonna be a right little party in here, ladies and gents!" He flicked his wand at the ceiling and magical fiddles began playing. Pansy Parkinson rushed over as fast as her legs would carry her and threw herself into Draco's arms.

"I'm yours, darling," she declared lovingly. "I'm your Barbie girl."

Draco dropped her in disgust. "What're you little blabbering bumpkin doing in my arms? I don't want you!"

At which Pansy howled and ran out of the room, probably off to join Hermione on her quest for firewhiskey and sudden death.

* * *

Within the next hour, everyone had regained their sanity. Pansy and Hermione had returned (apparently not dead) to the class, the hoedown party was over, all snogging, dancing, and conducting had ceased, and everyone seemed quite okay.

Except for Snape.

He continued to sit in the corner of the room, plucking petals off the flower, not even bothering that he was supposed to be teaching at the moment.

Ron, noticing this, screamed, "CLASS DISMISSED!"

A collective murmur of excitement echoed throughout the classroom, and everyone scampered off to play board games and eat ice cream (delivered personally by the sexy ice cream man, Draco Malfoy.)

Everyone was happy.

Everyone was laughing.

And everyone had ice cream.

So all in all, it was a wonderful day.

* * *

**:) Hope you guys enjoyed it! Please review if you did; reviews never fail to bring a smile to my face!**


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